As I look back on my adult life I can clearly see the strong focus on doing – on my perception my value was dependent on how much I got done every day. The pushing, striving pace, working hard ethic was something I had been modelled growing up. Give 110%. Do your best. Give it your all. The idea that NOT doing something was being lazy! While the theory is great and there is certainly merit in putting energy into what you do, it is only a part of the story. AND I found out the hard way that living life constantly on the go wasn’t sustainable for me – physically or emotionally. My life followed repeating cycles of go hard – crash and burn (sometimes sickness, sometimes an emotional eruption). The going hard didn’t feel fulfilling, didn’t get me to any place that felt like success. Yes, there were rewards along the way – but little time to celebrate. Head down, bum up, next!
My evaluation of my “performance” was that from time to time I could be doing something really well – but at the expense of other aspects or my other “duties”. BALANCE felt like a dirty word. I thought everyone else could juggle their lives, so there must be something wrong with me!
I engaged strategies to help me step out of constant overwhelm, hoping that would calm my very loud voice of judgement directed at my inability to get it ALL done. Something that I can clearly see now was an unrealistic expectation.
In an effort to help me solve the problem of feeling like I was doing 1-2 things well and that everything else was falling apart, my scheduling style for many years was time blocking. Every waking hour of every day was allocated a task or focus. This worked really well in some ways. I had a dedicated fitness hour every day at 9am, which did improve my health and energy. There was routine that included blocks for preparing meals and doing the washing. There were parts of this strategy that felt good and worked well.
The time blocking itself, however, set up this urgency for EVERYTHING – just 1 hour a day to squeeze each task into. And often while I was doing the task, my focus was on something else that needed my attention. I started lots of things, but rarely was anything finished (so no dopamine hit from ticking it off the list!). The to-do list kept being added to without things getting deleted, leading to overwhelm being my underlying theme.
My day was all go-go-go, do-do-do, my brain was full and moments of presence, fulfilment, or joy were fleeting. People wanting help with something that wasn’t on my list or popping in for a visit and even socialising or going on holiday felt like an interruption to my schedule, robbing me of opportunities to give value, connect and relax. The rigidity of this system became really uncomfortable for me.
Over the years I experimented with other systems. Routine felt like a great space where structure and flow could meet. It felt more natural – like the ebb and flow of the waves on the beach. However, the satisfaction of ticking tasks off and feeling satisfaction was missing, and it had the potential to be boring – the daily norm. What it did give me (mostly) was a more relaxed relationship to time. As I practised presence and slowness, I noticed that the volume of work I got through wasn’t as negatively affected as I had assumed it would be! I had more sustainable energy so I could be more ‘productive’ at the end of the day. My appreciation and sense of enjoyment of life increased. I felt more connected and accepting of whatever was in front of me and less resentment for perceived deviations from the plan.
Last year I was forced into a next level of acceptance and slow living as my body wasn’t capable of any version of speed. I had to be content with the pace of my natural healing as I knew any effort to force it would back fire. So last year was a cruise by necessity.
This year I feel ready to invite more into my life. I have had time to reflect on what I really want, the direction I want to head in and how I want to show up in the world. I have looked to the natural world that surrounds me for the answers. Contemplation of natural cycles has taught me that nothing else is constantly on the go, striving, pushing, judging its own performance as a strategy for being better! As I write this I am aware of a very imposing and beautiful walnut tree right outside my window. It doesn’t resist the energy of winter, it doesn’t judge itself for not producing walnuts all year, it doesn’t care how many walnuts the other trees are dropping, it doesn’t even worry about who will appreciate or use its walnuts. It embraces each stage of the cycle, each season, each day. It is always in alignment with what it is here to do, in every phase.
I can’t and don’t want to be directing my energy into action constantly. I am inviting in a gentler approach, an approach aligned with the cycle of the seasons in my garden. The winter is the time for allowing, for introspection, planning clarity and rest. The springtime signals a focus on sowing seeds, nurturing, experimenting, taking action. Summer is for celebrating and basking in fruits of my efforts. And Autumn is all about letting go of anything that no longer supports my growth. There are no edges to these transitions, no rigidity, they simply follow each other naturally. There is an energy of allowing over forcing. So for me as I move through this year I would like to move WITH the energy – both my own and what I feel around me, knowing that there is time for everything I want to do and everything I want to be. I believe that growth is both inevitable and I can enhance it through awareness and nurturing.
As far as my schedule is concerned, for now what works for me is a loose routine around daily actions that set me up to be the best version of myself and move me towards growth, combined with a way of tracking my micro wins everyday. Each month I set intentions for that time frame. I plan, I spend a few weeks consciously energising these plans, setting myself up, taking action and applying momentum to what I want, followed by a few weeks of a more relaxed energy in my day. It’s an experiment. So far it feels good. No doubt as I grow and change, the system will need a tweak. That no longer feels like I am getting it wrong or have been wasting time. Rather it feels like real evidence that I am changing and growing constantly so it is inevitable that my systems and strategies will need an upgrade from time to time.
I invite you to spend some time thinking about your scheduling strategies and relationship to time. Firstly get clear on what you want. What is the essence or feeling that you want to experience in relation to that desire? What are your priorities? What do you value? Set intentions for this month / season / year in alignment with your values and priorities. What can you practise every day that would support you to grow in that direction? How can you motivate yourself to take action? How can you nurture yourself and replenish your energy?